How does it feel to be a person with mental disorder? I will
explain.
You wake up every morning and wish you don’t, because all
you want is just a way out from this nightmare you called life. You prepare
yourself with a fake smile in your face, then laughing with your peers in
class. You talk a lot so they don’t know the truth about you. You make jokes so
people see you’re happy. You listen to their stories and give advice as you can
solve all your own problems in life. You play with them cheerfully. Inside, you
still feel alone in the crowd. You have lot of friends, but you feel like no
one’s there for you. You’re chatting with them, but no one you can trust. It
becomes scary to be in crowd, but you have to cover it up. You’re alone. You will always be
alone. Some of them say they care, but in fact they don’t. They just want to know. Or they just pretend
like they care.
But then when you’re on your own, you’re breaking. You hate
your face a lot because you can’t handle the ugly girl you see in the mirror.
You hate your body a lot that after you eat you always feel guilty all the
time. You feel envy with all people and all the things they have. You go into a
home that doesn’t feel like home. You hate your mom, your dad, your brother and
sister. You blame God for everything that happened to you. You hate yourself.
You hate your life.
It’s really scary to feel like you’re empty. Incomplete.
Insecure. Anxious. Like there’s a missing piece that you don’t know what it is.
You feel sad almost all the time. Sometimes with no reason, sometimes because
some reasons, or maybe everything becomes your reasons. You feel like you have
no purpose in life, you don’t what to do tomorrow, you don’t know if you’re
capable to be the person your parents want you to be. Or you want you to be. It’s really scary to not
trust anybody, because when you’re in rock bottom –which you’re almost there all the time-, you can’t do anything but think of death. It’s scary to
think about you will feel those feelings again tomorrow, and the next day, and
for the rest of your life. Because once you’re depressed, you won’t get over
it. Once you start to thinking about death, it won’t end. Never.
And it’s killing you. Slowly, or mostly suddenly. Realize
that the only one to blame is just only yourself. You feel like your friends
are talking behind you while they aren’t. Laugh at you while they don’t. You
feel like you need someone’s apologize, but you don’t know what to sorry for.
You feel they are staring at you and judging you in everything, but you know
that’s not true. You feel like God hates you but your mind knows the truth that
God loves everybody. You feel offended while they’re just trying to help you.
You worried a lot and try to please everyone, but you know you can’t. You do
many things for people around you, but you’re the only one who think you’re not
enough. You’re too afraid of ignorance, so you never try the things you want to. You try to stop the voices in your mind, which telling you just to end
your life, because you want to give yourself a chance. A chance to change. A
chance to be happy. A chance to be okay again.
The hardest part? You know you can’t. Maybe you’ll be okay
for a while. A week or two. But those feelings will haunt you in another
week. Alprazolam can’t help you no more, neither do esilgan. Those antidepressant
and sleep pills are nothing. And you know that the voices in your head are true.
The only way to end it, is to die.
How do I know? Because I’m one of you. Well, luckily,
finally you know you’re not alone. We’re not alone.
