Peacefully, Easily

 I'm no longer waiting for your text. Or scrolling through our old conversations. Or checking up on you to make sure you’re okay with your life. Nor feel curious about how are you doing now.

No longer need you for support, nor comfort. No longer feel hurt every time I remember us. No longer disappointed for what you did.

And the most important thing, is, I don’t miss our late-night conversation, our random jokes, our rendezvous destination. I don’t miss our morning devotion, our biblical argument, our Q+A session. I, no longer miss you.

I finally am in a place where you’re no longer there. And finally, what seems hard yesterday, is way more easier today. I’m at ease. I’m at peace. I’m back with my sense.

That's, on Being in Love

Love, for me, is making sure you eat well and on time.Or not drinking too much caffeine in a day. Seeing you get enough sleep. Or having enough water. Reminding you to exercise well, not too less, and not too excessive.

Love, for me, is making sure you're always okay.

Happiness, for me, is seeing you eat your favorite cookies.Or watching you watch your favorite movie. Hearing you explain DC and Marvel though you know I'm not a fan of both. Or stroking your hair while you're asleep on my lap.

Happiness, for me, if watching you happy, with me.

Thus, stay by my side and don't go out of my sight. Be my days full with your bubbly personality and be my nights full with your hugs, kisses, also snoring(s). Be my morning starts with a "good morning love" and be my days ends with a "rest well babe". For never have I feel love this strong yet so calm. Challenging yet so secure. I know forever doesn't exist, and people keep changing from time to time, but I wish, I could say I love you now and then.

You

To the guy who came over for a “im such in a badmood”,

Who brought me his jacket for a “i forget to bring mine”,

And always prioritize my needs over his, 

Thank you.

 

You came right when I almost gave up on love. On being in love.  

Right after I decided I don’t need any love, because I don’t have capacity to love.

I’m too drown in my self-hate, same shitty insecurities since years ago. My cup is half-empty, and I can’t give anything to anyone. Because giving enough love to myself to live everyday, is so damn hard already. 

 

But there you are. Coming to my chaotic life, like a serendipity. You’re not taking anything from my half-empty cup. And you’re not filling my cup so I depend on you. In fact, you taught me how to fill my cup, so I can love myself more, by myself. 

You make me feel a different kind of love, the one I'd never have before. The love that calms me but in the same time excites me. Butterfly in stomaches but in the same times a stability. Whatever will be, will be. But one thing I know for sure, I'm grateful to know you.

 

Easy

 A forehead kiss, quick kisses on my lips

Our hearts are racing, knowing my dad’s watching over the window

 

We’re at part we hate the most for the day: a goodbye

Hours feel like seconds, and I wish we don’t call it a day

Comes for you to go, only to meet again another day,

But oh how we wish we’d stay together day by day

 

Young blood, they said, unluckily, I agree

But love comes when you least expect it, what more could I say?

 

I’m not one who gets comfort easily, nor fall in love easily

I’m one who comes to therapist, cried while telling her my fear: my disability to love

I’m one who’s concerning my psychiatrist, due to my cold heart and numbness towards everyone

 

But with you, everything’s so easy.

Mystifying. Confusing. Bewildering. But easy.

I feel comfort around you easily. Tell you stories easily.

Being clingy to you easily.

And suddenly, my world, revolves around you.

 

I know forever doesn’t exist, while drama, tragedies, and heartbreaks do exist

But I’d take the risk. Because it’s you, I’d take the risk.

A Fortress

I once was told that I was way too loud. Too expressive. Too honest. They asked me to be less. To be silent. To hide who I really am, so that I’d fit in society.

I was too young back then. Immature. Too afraid of rejection, too crazy for acceptance. So I let them won. I let them shut the real me, I let them shut the voice I had. I started to talk less. Started to bottle everything up. Started to fight my battle alone. And unconsciously, I started to lose the real me. That’s when, I didn’t even recognize the girl I saw in the mirror.

I said yes when about to say no. I said I’m okay when I’m dying.  My disagreements turned to agreements.  What’s good turned to bad. My opinion didn’t matter anymore, the social standards had took the place. My condition been hidden with lies to lies. My emotions been isolated with numbness to numbness.  I was no longer the girl I used to be.

I was at loss. I didn’t know who I am anymore, didn’t know what was I doing in the world. And it scared me. It scared me to some point I feel choked. To some point I had to let it out so I could breathe. So I could live.

So I started to write. That was only the time I’d be honest. To myself. To the world.

I write when no one listens. To have control over the words, gives me a sense of power. And that power, has helped me to find who I am now.  That power, heals me from all traumatic things that happened through those years. That power, gives me a way out from my toxic-silence. And now, I’ve got my voice back. I, am no longer silent.