I never write anything about my faith or God, but now,
tiba-tiba ada keinginan menggebu untuk sedikit sharing.
I’m a Catholic since I can't remember. I’m Catholic, because
my parents are Catholic, as simple as that. I go to church once a week, tetapi
ga pernah doa, apalagi baca firman. Sometimes I pray, before I eat, tapi lebih
karena kebiasaan. I believe that God is exist, tapi belum menerima Dia sebagai
juruselamat pribadi.
And now, everytime I look back to my old life, comparing to my life
now, and all I can say is “How great God is!”
You have no idea how to live with depression and anxiety. No
mercy, I feel dying almost every day. Jangankan merasa bahagia, merasa aman aja
jadi hal yang jarang. I feel insecure, almost all the time. Chronic feeling of
emptiness, loneliness, hopelessness. Like I’m living, but I’m not. Parahnya, I have
to act like nothing’s wrong, playing around with friends, to say okay when I’m
not. Worried about so many things, from big things to small things. All of
those feelings lead me to one conclusion: I hate of being alive. I hate world, I
hate all people, I hate my life, I hate me. I want to die. I really want to. But
thankfully, my fears of purgatory and hell held me back.
At that point, rasanya ga akan ada satu hal pun that could
save me from my own thought. I’m alone, clearly alone. Even God, seems starting
to leave me. Mencari kegiatan positif? Mencoba bersyukur? Mencari bantuan professional?
Been there, done that, but the disorders can’t seem to go away. I started to
hurt myself as my way to cope. But I don’t want to live that way.
Watching yourself get dumber and dumber each day, and
watching your own lights started to fade, is actually awful. Painful. Deep down,
in somewhere only my heart knows, harapan itu masih ada. A hope to be okay
again, a hope to feel alive again, a hope to get back my old self.
In my another rock bottom, God saves me. I could’ve died by
suicide that time, but I didn’t. The third week of January, is
the most life changing moment that I ever felt. I believe Tuhan memang ga
pernah meninggalkan umatNya, included me, but in that week in January, I felt His
love secara langsung.
I joined Seminar Hidup Baru dalam Roh Kudus (secara
terpaksa, karena mengikuti suatu kepanitiaan retreat). I heard nothing about
SHDRK, nor about charismatic catholic. That was really my first praise and
worship, my first outpouring of Holy Spirit. When people around me started to
resting, talking in the language of Holy Spirit, dancing, laughing, I do
nothing except crying. Bukannya membaik, I feel mad.
Tuhan, ini aku, umatMu, datang padaMu meminta pertolongan,
tapi kenapa Tuhan bersembunyi? I’m sick, I feel hurt too much till I almost dying, almost giving up, where
are You?
Tetapi memang pertolongan Tuhan itu ga harus dalam
manifestasi Roh Kudus. A thing that I’d just understand sepulangnya dari SHDRK.
I feel renewed sepulangnya dari SHDRK. Semua beban rasanya terangkat, semangat
hidup balik lagi. Kalau sebelumnya I found it was really hard just to wake up
and doing small stuffs such as college stuffs, rasanya ada kekuatan yang bikin
saya bisa menjalani hari-hari. Keinginan untuk mati hilang, terganti dengan
semangat untuk puji dan sembah Tuhan lebih lagi.
Mulai ikut acara praise and worship, mulai berdoa, mulai
baca firman, ikut persekutuan doa. I leave my old life; berbicara kasar, rokok,
alkohol, self-harm. Itu pencapaian terbesar dalam hidup, keputusan besar that I
ever made in my life. Sebulan, was fine. Tapi di bulan kedua, depresi dan
ansietas itu datang lagi. I start to hate myself again, tapi bedanya, saya
punya Tuhan untuk diandalkan.
Sulit sekali untuk berpikir “Tuhan itu baik” dalam tiap
kesesakan yang ada. But I believe, adalah hati saya yang diubahkan Tuhan
semenjak saya menerimaNya sebagai juruselamat pribadi saya. Tuhan memang ga
pernah menjanjikan hidup akan bahagia jika ikut Tuhan, tapi Tuhan menjanjikan
penyertaan tanpa akhir. Janji itu yang membuat saya berpikir: Tuhan akan bantu.
Segala yang Tuhan ijinkan terjadi dalam hidup saya, punya suatu maksud lebih
besar. Saya diijinkan untuk merasa sakit, untuk mengalami hal buruk, demi
bentuk saya jadi pribadi yang lebih baik.
Tuhan saya, tidak akan pernah meninggalkan saya jatuh
tergeletak. Through my depression and anxiety, I still pray even with tears and
sometimes anger. Saya ga minta Tuhan angkat gangguan mental saya, saya Cuma minta,
Tuhan, buat saya mengerti kehendak Tuhan dalam hidup saya. Make me see, what
the point of my disorder is. Make me understand, kenapa saya harus mengalami
this self-hate, low self-esteem. Show me, how to forgive myself, my family, people
that hurt me.
Ikut Tuhan itu ga pernah gampang. Si jahat akan selalu
ganggu, berusaha bikin kita berpaling. I won’t lie kalau dalam masa pertobatan
saya, saya kadang lepas kendali. Kadang saya masih hisap rokok, masih ada
keinginan untuk konsumsi alkohol, sekali juga saya relapse and ended up with
hurting myself (again). Tapi kalau dulu I was hiding from God because feel
ashamed, now I throw my ego far away dan berani datang ke Tuhan untuk ngaku dan
minta penguatan.
God is trust-worthy, apapun bisa kita ceritakan. Justru, He
wants us to tell Him ALL of our problems, tanpa terkecuali. Your love life,
college life, relationships. Funny things, sad things, silly things. Your true
feelings; anger, mad, ashamed, guilty. Your mistakes; free sex, pride, ego.
PertolonganNya TIDAK AKAN datang terlambat. Selalu tepat waktu. Jika Dia belum
jawab doamu, teruslah meminta yang terbaik bagimu, because He knows everything
that you needed, not what you wanted. Sometimes, what you want isn’t good for
you, but God, knows you best. If God answers no to your prayer, berbesar
hatilah. Tandanya, what you ask mungkin saja menjadi bumerang bagi hidupmu. Tuhan
mau jauhkan kamu dari hal-hal yang dapat membahayakanmu.
Why do I write this? Because everytime I’m thinking about
His greatest love for me, I can’t do anything but cry. I couldn’t be more
grateful. Ratusan, ribuan, bahkan jutaan puji dan sembah, doa, rasanya tidak
akan pernah cukup untuk membalas everything that He has done in my life. Dan rasanya,
saya harus sharing ini meskipun tidak pernah cukup untuk menggambarkan betapa
hebat Tuhan yang saya percayai. He gave His only begotten son, to save a wretch
like me. Everytime I feel the world hates me, God reminds me He loves me. Everytime I feel there’s no hope, God is my only hope. Everytime I feel alone, I
always have God who sticks by my side. I believe, tidak sekalipun mataNya
berpaling dari umatNya.
God is good. In the good times, or in the bad times. He is
good all the time.
