A Fortress

I once was told that I was way too loud. Too expressive. Too honest. They asked me to be less. To be silent. To hide who I really am, so that I’d fit in society.

I was too young back then. Immature. Too afraid of rejection, too crazy for acceptance. So I let them won. I let them shut the real me, I let them shut the voice I had. I started to talk less. Started to bottle everything up. Started to fight my battle alone. And unconsciously, I started to lose the real me. That’s when, I didn’t even recognize the girl I saw in the mirror.

I said yes when about to say no. I said I’m okay when I’m dying.  My disagreements turned to agreements.  What’s good turned to bad. My opinion didn’t matter anymore, the social standards had took the place. My condition been hidden with lies to lies. My emotions been isolated with numbness to numbness.  I was no longer the girl I used to be.

I was at loss. I didn’t know who I am anymore, didn’t know what was I doing in the world. And it scared me. It scared me to some point I feel choked. To some point I had to let it out so I could breathe. So I could live.

So I started to write. That was only the time I’d be honest. To myself. To the world.

I write when no one listens. To have control over the words, gives me a sense of power. And that power, has helped me to find who I am now.  That power, heals me from all traumatic things that happened through those years. That power, gives me a way out from my toxic-silence. And now, I’ve got my voice back. I, am no longer silent.

 

Intoxicating

And nothing's more frustrating than this:

It feels wrong when everything's right

Feels less when it's actually more

Feels lost when you're in the right track

Something's missing when everything's complete

You start to questioning your sanity. Contemplating all moments and still has no string to where did you go wrong? You think you may be insane, for craving dramas and tragedies. For waiting for heartbreaks and emotional breakdowns. For pushing people away. For doubting your self and your own worth. For craving death. As simply because happiness doesn't suit you.

You wonder why you recognize happiness as a form of sadness? And recognize love as chances to get hurt? You only be creative when it comes to harm your self: should it be cutting, or burning your skin, or punching yourself. 

And the only thought you think everyday: where and when does it end? Asking the same question for years without ever get an answer. And it's devastating. Killing you slowly. Consume you in toxic way of thinking.

But the scariest part is: this feeling comforts you. Your kind of peace. And you can't deny yourself, you are the one who never let the feeling fades.  

List of Gratitude

For my now-self, Thank you. Thank you for holding on this far. Thank you for being strong. Thank you, for keep living and never giving up. I know there are hard times when you're on your edge and nearly give up, but you choose to not. I know there are moments when you feel so alone and want to disappear, but you hold yourself back. I know there are moments you're back-stabbed and thinking to turn your heart off, but you choose to give love another chances, again and again. And now, thinking of those hardships, I'm proud of where I'm standing now. I'm grateful of my control freak mom, I know how I want to raise my children and how to not hurting them. I'm grateful for my cheating father, I know how I want to be loved and a man that I exactly want. I'm grateful for my then-bestfriends, I know how to let things go. I'm grateful for my past, I know what future I want to be in. I'm grateful for my former abusive boyfriend, that from him I learn to forgive. I'm grateful for being a rape survivor, so I know how to be more careful.I'm grateful for having a borderline personality disorder, so it led me to God and made me know Him more. I'm grateful for the days I wish I was dead. I'm grateful for the days I harmed myself. I'm grateful for the days I shut everybody down. I'm grateful for all my failures. For all of that making me who I am today; a strong, independent, and courageous woman. And finally, I'm able to smile at my reflection in the mirror. After a long journey of my self hate, I'm able to love myself more than I ever did before. 2020 has been a roller coaster, indeed. I struggled with lost, I struggled with disappointments, resentments, too many ups and downs, too many doubts. But I'm ready to leave it all behind and start the new page of mine. I'm not going to let the negative side of mine dominates me, no more. I'm not going to let my mind limits my live. I will rock the 2021 well and show them that I'm capable to rise up.