Catatan si Pecundang

Aku tidak takut sendiri. Aku juga tidak takut sepi. Aku menyukainya, bahkan. Aku suka saat sendiri, tidak harus menghadapi manusia yang penuh kepura-puraan, termasuk diriku sendiri. Aku suka rasa sepi, saat aku dapat menikmati kelamku dalam diam.

Satu-satunya yang aku takuti, adalah adanya ketergantungan. Aku tidak suka saat aku merasa membutuhkan orang lain. Ketergantungan, membuatku merasa kehilangan kontrol akan diriku. Maka sebisa mungkin, aku membangun batas untuk diriku sendiri, untuk tidak pernah tergantung pada siapapun. Siapapun.

Tapi kamu keras kepala, bukan? Kamu, dengan kehidupan sempurnamu, datang dan menembus batas yang ku buat. Dan aku, seperti tersihir dengan semua kesempurnaanmu, menenggelamkan diriku secara suka rela padamu. Lambat laun, kamu menjadi pusatku. Aku, memikirkanmu dalam kesendirianku, memikirkanmu juga dalam sepiku. Masalah yang tadinya ku simpan sendiri, aku bagi denganmu, tanpa terkecuali. Kamu masuk dalam duniaku semudah membalikkan telapak tangan, ya? Hingga ketergantungan ini bertambah dan bertambah, aku menyadari, kamu sepenuhnya ada dalam duniaku, namun adakah aku dalam dunia sempurnamu? Kesadaran ini memukulku dengan telak. Aku, secara perlahan mencoba masuk ke duniamu, dan yang ku temukan di dalamnya membuatku terpaku. Akan betapa berbedanya duniamu dan duniaku. Duniaku, kelam. Hitam dan putih. Sedangkan milikmu penuh akan warna. Duniaku hanya mengenal sendiri dan sepi. Sedangkan kamu? Kamu memiliki semuanya dalam hidupmu. Teman, sahabat, penggemar. Semuanya. Hingga ku tebak, kamu tidak tau apa itu sendiri dan sepi. Aku, si gadis tanpa bakat. Dan kamu, pria dengan segudang talenta.  Aku, si gadis pembenci hidup. Dan kamu, pria pencinta hidup. Kamu, satu satunya bagiku. Sedangkan aku, hanya salah satu bagimu. Aku merasa sangat kecil. Aku, seperti pungguk yang mencoba meraih bulan.

Maka, sebelum semuanya semakin dalam, ku putuskan untuk melepasmu. Mengeluarkanmu dari lingkaranku, dan membuat kembali benteng yang kamu tembus. Mengembalikan kamu ke tempat dimana kamu seharusnya berada. Kamu, akan kembali ke kehidupan sempurnamu tanpa aku di dalamnya, yang aku yakini, tidak berpengaruh apapun padamu. Akankah kamu mengingatku sebagai gadis menyedihkan? Ataukah mengingatku sebagai seorang yang tidak punya nama di hatimu? Atau bahkan.. tidak mengingatku sama sekali?

Sementara kamu kembali pada hidup sempurnamu, aku, akan kembali terperangkap pada kesendirian dan sepiku. Aku, akan tetap berada disini. Hidup hitam putihku. Hidup kelamku. Tempat teramanku.

from a daughter to her father

She came to our house, using her heels and asked me where you were. I asked did she have any business with you, and she said it’s about church stuffs. She came into our lives, and I heard you’re joking with our neighbor about how attractive she is. I saw how active you are now to go to our church’s events. I saw how glad you are now when there are choir practices. I saw how flirting you are whenever she’s around.

I watched every single expressions you made when your phone was on your hand. I used to know about everybody you were chatting with. I used to know about what did you do with your phone. Nothing to hide, no secrets. But now? You deleted all her chats before you went home. You changed her name in your contact, which made me laugh at how stupid you are to think that it worked. She called you every time you’re in office, she called you whenever mom was not around. She tried to build conversation with me and brother, without knowing that my brother and I know what she did with you behind us. She’s pretty kind as a neighbor, and I know she’s beautiful yet so cheerful. Just not like mom who has a fickle heart and heaviness in her head. She set my photo as her profile picture while my mom never did that. I know mom is not a good wife, nor a good mom, mom’s totally far away from that. She has everything that mom doesn't. But could she replace your 22 years wife?

I am 18 years old now, on my way to 19. I always got the first to third rank at school. I am one of scholarship students in university. And yet you think I was naïve enough to believe you both just friend.

And you will never know. You will never understand how damaging it is for a daughter who’s having major trust issues. Not in million years I thought you could be this selfish. The emotional pain and resentment I feel towards you are real. I used to think that you’re the kindest man alive, mom is the one who supposed to be lucky for having you. I used to think that one day, I wanna have a husband like you. You were the one I trust the most, you understand every piece of me, you always saved me from mom’s anger.  You used to be my hero. But who knows, it’s all turned to you’d be the one who make me afraid of marriage, beside mom. And it all comes to this: none of the living could be trusted. Not your family, not your close friends, or not even yourself.

It surprised me for real that I still could feel angry for you. You should thank God I still feel those feelings for you. I once thought I am okay with that, but the wound is not completely healed. I hate the way you try to build conversation with me now, because not in a second I could see your face without thinking about your infidelity. All I wanna do now is walk away from you, because one side you look so happy than you ever was with mom, but your happiness tortures me. I will act like I know nothing, but forgive me if I become someone else. I'm no longer your little princess.

You’ve made your choice, so I get to make mine now.


Sincerely,

Your daughter