I
don’t know what to say because I’ve write many already about this, but I feel
overwhelmed by the same feeling (again). I don’t know where I should turn to. I’ve
went to some psychologist(s) but I feel they can’t help. I try to look for some
mentors in mental health sites, but turned to nothing but waste my time. I’ve
shared with the only person I trust and it goes to he either didn’t know how to
help me. I consumed some pills to reduce those feelings, well, it worked in the
first or second day, but the rest they became useless. I’m helpless. Clueless.
I
feel like being haunted of something I can’t figure out. All the bad things in
my life feel inescapable. My life turns to a living nightmare, with me as the
main role in it. I am living in a horror film, I can’t even pause or escape
from it. I’m so tired of being alive, but also too scared to end my life. Harmed
myself thousands of time but only remain scars which always close by another
scars before it ever get healed. It sucks to feel I don’t have any future, I will
become a worthless person. It sucks to wonder I will never win against my
mental illness. My mind is really a scary place and it scares me almost every
day. Every time. I spend almost my time to think about bad things; death,
tragedy, depression, anxiety, other disorders and I can’t stop. Cry alone at
night sometime because the thoughts are getting wilder. I suffocated by
sadness, devastated by loneliness. I’ve no shoulder to rely on because the
fact, I pushed them out. The hardest part is to realize I will never let
anybody in.
I
hate my life, I hate the world, I hate every person I know or I don’t know. I hate
me. I hate everything. Why people can be happy while I can’t? Why those girls
could have anything easily while I have to struggle for it? Why do my friends
laugh without any burden while I feel sad almost all the time? Why don’t they try
to understand me? Why don’t they just leave me alone? Why don’t they apologize?
Can they stop laughing? Can they stop smiling? Can they stop bothering me and
asking “are you fine”? I JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO STOP.
But
here I say to you; the truth isn’t these people are torturing me. I, am the one
who torturing myself. I am torturing myself by constantly bombarding myself
with question that keep me stuck on my fears and anxieties. I am torturing
myself by sending people out of my life but then cry for some help. It’s a
bitter pill to swallow, but that’s the truth. And the thing is, I am at a loss.
I don’t recognize myself anymore, I don’t know how to cope nowadays. My thoughts
are bombarding my mind and I almost give up. I’m hurting and I don’t know how
to make it stop. I’m scared of myself.
