How do I live with these feelings? Years go by and I feel it
ain’t living.
I’m almost there, almost done. I lost my interest in
everything. Music. Novel. Singing. Writing. Everything. I lost interest until I
don’t know what to do anymore, until I don’t know how to kill the hours every day.
It makes me wonder, when will it stops? Hope it ends tomorrow, but there is always
a tomorrow after tomorrow. Endless.
I feel a chronic feeling of emptiness, which I can’t handle.
I have everything but feel like I have nothing. Like something’s missing, my
life is not right. And it’s frustrating, to wait for something you don’t know, to
be sad without knowing the reasons, to feel nothing but numbness. Everything becomes
contradictive. It ends up with tears almost every night, sometimes ends up with scars or bruises, but sometimes it’s a blank stare on the wall.
I feel tired. Really tired. Until breathing feels so hard. Sometimes
I can’t even get up off my bed. I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to eat, I don’t
want to meet anybody. All I want is to be alone, by my own, go to place where
no one knows. I want to be disappear. I feel tired that every simple task feels
hard, feel tired that even thinking makes me want to scream.
I feel anxious, almost all the time, about everything. About
how do I look, how do I talk, how do I walk, everything. I can’t even really
look into people eyes when they talk. I can’t trust people because fear of
betrayal. I can’t love anybody because I don't have enough courage to love.
I’m just a broken record. No matter how far I go, these
feelings keep haunting me. I don’t want to live this way, but no power is left
to fight. I’ve lost in every single battles, even the small ones. I try to
scream for help, nothing is out from my mouth but silence. And no one ever understands
my silence. Not even myself. So I have nothing to blame, but myself.
Here’s the cycle, I feel bad, then better. Then worse, but
then better. Worse again, and time to time, it keeps worse and worse and worse.
I’m waiting for the worst to come by now.
Because I can’t hold it any longer. I’m craving for death
more than ever. I feel sorry for myself for being so weak, but no reason is
left for me to stay in this world.
